Foster Care & Adoption
Gospel, Guts & Goodbyes
I haven't posted in a very long time. So sorry. I think at times I worry the honest truth will spill out like a hot fire scorching the reality of the struggle, there are other times the stories are just as delicious as warm honey on a biscuit but I don't want to bother you and then there are times I want to just talk to my husband and don't have time to talk to YOU. :) Anyway here goes for quick lesson being learned the hard way by well...me. Jeff Dodge is a leader in our church and once posted on Twitter, "Jesus's last words in the GOSPEL were, FOLLOW ME".Wow how this resonates, right now.It.Is.Hard.To.Follow.It takes GUTS to follow. But what I've learned though 18 years of coaching and 15 years doing this mom thing is this, people won't follow if they don't trust you and know you care. In my team meetings I spout off 18 years of awards, championships, successful team stories. Despite the list of accomplishments, they still have to like and respect me or they won't follow me. Boom there it is folks. Its human nature. I like you, I follow. I don't like you, despite your accolades, I'll choose to roll my eyes, post on social media about you and check out. People have to 'drink the kool-aid' and believe in what ya do. They also need to know that I will love them from top to bottom, messy ponytails and all. The messy ponytail-like why pull your hair up just to pull 1/3 of it back down to be all over your face? Like, no, I don't get it and don't want to. Ok, sorry, i'm off topic.Sometimes it hard to find people WORTH following that you can give your GUTS to.In the business world the common quote is- "You often don't quit your job, you quit your boss." Its the SAME THING! Those situations you have to follow your gut when you get to the realization you no longer want to be part of the team and can't wake up excited every day. Being a farmers daughter I often heard, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink." Same thing. In the foster care world- We are crazy people asking kids to trust and follow on a whim. How do you ask someone to trust your family, trust a coach, trust a mentor/teacher, trust a good relationship if they've never had it? Plop someone in a family, and say, now go and trust all these strangers and btw if you could forget that you are broken this will all go a lot easier. You can't, they don't know how to handle a well balanced family and life. They just came to you on the red-eye from some inter-personal hell, that is why they are there. It makes me want to rock every single one of them, then call my mom and grandmas so they can coddle me and send me cookies that I will eat on the floor of my bathroom while I stare at my hot bath that I just ran and then proceed to drain the bath because I've already changed my mind- I don't want a bath, I want to go to TJ Maxx! Yep, we are human and all a tad "hot mess". The point is: We ask kids to be super-human hoping that the people that surround them are super humans. Reality is the stock is often low on both accounts. Life is hard.Enter in those (not just foster kids) with Reactive Attachment Disorder. I'll be honest when we were taking the PS-MAPP (foster care how to class) classes I thought this was ridiculous, like all kids can love and trust, are they not just kids for goodness sake? Boy was I wrong. Here is an excerpt I highlighted and it can pretty much be found in any common google search on this subject: When a child is removed or has years worth of neglect, it can be so traumatic that the child remembers that feeling and is often very guarded of their feelings to never feel like that again. So when they start to love, they start to push because they fear rejection from yet another loved one. The memory of the pain takes over so they don't let themselves be happy that way they don't have to lose it. Let me also add- you don't have to be a foster kiddo to feel this way. I mentioned earlier that I've been working on this post for a while. I started it around Mothers Day. This may sound harsh, but its just real: I've had to say GOODBYE to the notion that holidays will always be filled with endless joy. There I said it. I know this holiday will sting more than others because there is pain either way for J&M. We talk about the upcoming stress. We prepare them as best we can. Its a constant game of defense for Nathan and I. Similar to the one above where we as parents play defense for all of our kids with people in their life.I also need to report, some progress of another GOODBYE. I think I'm also going to have to say GOODBYE to the notion that they can't handle all the "things". Because in the last three years they have learned so much and Nathan and I have realized they really are two of the strongest people I have ever met and they are teaching our family so so much. Furthermore the struggle to mold, change and have more patience has made all of the "originals"/bio-mini humans stronger.There will always be valleys and hills. I don't know a person charmed or troubled that doesn't have them. But as I reflect I can't help but smile and wonder, was my life meant to save them or were they sent to save us? Because both happened.We will trust in the GOSPEL and lay it all to him knowing he has a divine plan that I cannot rush, he will give me the GUTS I need/they need and hopefully that will mean less GOODBYES of things that we once cherished and more GOODBYES to their dad and I playing defense because in teen speak, "They've got this!"
Calls...this is a LONG one
Despite being not an option, each one, each call lingers. I go to this place thinking what if my kiddos had to be separated? Gosh what am I doing, couldn't I help just one of them? We could do it! My tribe of family and friends, although thought me crazy at times- ok most of the time, have always embraced whatever I have threw at them or brought in the door to sit at the table. (I mean remember that one boyfriend - yeah that's a story and life lesson for another day-HA) During the holidays, I once received 4 calls in a day. It was enough to shake me to straight illness. But my common sense husband reminds me, that we need to give attention to what we are doing now and although we could probably make it work, we wouldn't be very much help to a call that needs us due to our current schedule of chosen chaos. He is right, but I will still think and let each call stick with me for a bit.
I think I've mentioned before, when we got the call for J&M, it was a NO, they were not our preferred ages or genders. The only thing that fit what we said we were open to taking was "sibling group". I had my needed dosage of teen girls-I hang out with enough of them on a weekly basis. But this worker told me more info than usual and I felt their case was unique so I said OK we would agree to just meet them. 3 hours later we were in the van-of-fun on our way to a Lemon Tree 20 min down the road. A day that later, I will be forever grateful that something moved me to say YES and yet it has rocked my every fiber of who I am or who I thought I was. You see I thought I always knew what I wanted, what I needed and what my next conquest was.I am NEVER short of an opinion of where I was going and a plan. Yet, I had no idea I needed these two beauties in my life, but I do, I so, so, do. With them, I have less bad days. Not because life is suddenly perfect, but because they are a constant reminder to be thankful. They've seen a lifetime more than needed and my problems are shallow in comparison. I am thankful for their presence and the gifts they bring to us. I've learned from them that wearing sweatpants and fuzzy socks is like a mandatory nightly thing and it is awesome. Who Knew?! :) They taught me to not take for granted playing cards in front of a fireplace at night. This was listed on J's top 10 moments of 2015. Again, who knew a moment we take for granted would be on a top 10 list for someone else. They've taught this thirty something what strength looks like at half the age. My entire life I've been in a hurry to get things done, they've taught me to slow down, To stop constantly reaching and instead enjoy the rung of the ladder you are currently on so you don't miss the view. And to be completely material, they've taught me to never live a weekend without Starbucks. Its totally dumb, but totally a thing.
I've thought recently about different "calls" though out life I've had. Each one changes you. Some awful, some great, some with no information at all but to say I'm there and some with situations in where you need to choose how to react. Each one wonderful. Insert cliche phrase here: A door closes, break through a window. The end is really the beginning. Everything happens for a reason. Etc. Etc. Etc.
Beyond the cliche, the difference is reaction. What you do with the information given. That is what controls our future. And frankly-do you always need to wait for a call to take action? If you know something is missing, call out for help.
A sweet now retired small business owner, Pat, gave me a paper weight that said, "Be The Change You Wish To See In The World". It sits on every desk I've had. I think of the sentiment often. I relate it to things all the time. I thought about it when I attended a conference a few weeks ago and heard from several great speakers, but was touched by 2 speakers specifically that chose to make a difference. They specifically took charge for change not for their wealth but for the wealth of others. They made the call to "be the change".
Sharlene Bryan: She wondered if the $25 a month she was sending over seas was actually reaching the intended destination of helping two small children she was sponsoring. She was "called out" by friends for falling for a scam. In response she jumped on a plane and went to Africa a week later. She found out her money was indeed going to help. It was buying rice and beans for a family. But they needed more, they needed beds. So for $3 she bought each family member a bed. Are you stinking kidding me? $3?!? She came home to her comfortable life in California and started hosting Africa parties instead of Prada parties. She then founded an organization called Skip1.org. She urges us all to skip one coffee, manicure, car wash or lunch to help others. She has also wrote 2 books.
Scott Harrison: He was a nightclub promoter, turned looking for the meaning of life 20 something. Applied to go somewhere and make a difference with various humanitarian organizations, and was turned down multiple times. It was a laughable application. He had no experience, no background, nothing but a feeling of being "called" to do more. Until one organization took him and made him pay to volunteer with them-lol! He traveled to Liberia and saw some of the country's most desperate. At the root of their basic need was water. Something we disperse meaninglessly and can get for free at anytime her in the US. The women and children of the villages were walking 4 hours one way, standing in a 30-40 min line, to fill one 5 gallon container of water, then walking 4 hours back to the village. The water was swamp water. Polluted and filled with feces, leaches, amoebas and too many various items to list. The pictures he showed us looked like Ice Tea, and it was cherished. He showed us a picture of a sweet 4 year old girl who was so hot in the heat, she drank her small cup of water, then with in minuets would throw it all back up again due to it contamination. It was heart breaking, So he went back to his night club friends who would spend over $400 on one bottle of champagne and asked them to help fund wells so villages could get clean water. He started a company called Charity: Water and the rest is history.
They did it and so should we. In big ways, in small ways and in ways that may not help our bottom line at all, but will help those at the bottom. Being called out, changes the world....if you answer. What calls are you or are you not answering? My advise? Answer, because sometimes you don't know what you are missing and life is full of opportunities to 'be the change'.
Calls, Cards, Comfy Socks & Coffee from expensive stores ~Sarah
Despite being not an option, each one, each call lingers. I go to this place thinking what if my kiddos had to be separated? Gosh what am I doing, couldn't I help just one of them? We could do it! My tribe of family and friends, although thought me crazy at times- ok most of the time, have always embraced whatever I have threw at them or brought in the door to sit at the table. (I mean remember that one boyfriend - yeah that's a story and life lesson for another day-HA) During the holidays, I once received 4 calls in a day. It was enough to shake me to straight illness. But my common sense husband reminds me, that we need to give attention to what we are doing now and although we could probably make it work, we wouldn't be very much help to a call that needs us due to our current schedule of chosen chaos. He is right, but I will still think and let each call stick with me for a bit.
I think I've mentioned before, when we got the call for J&M, it was a NO, they were not our preferred ages or genders. The only thing that fit what we said we were open to taking was "sibling group". I had my needed dosage of teen girls-I hang out with enough of them on a weekly basis. But this worker told me more info than usual and I felt their case was unique so I said OK we would agree to just meet them. 3 hours later we were in the van-of-fun on our way to a Lemon Tree 20 min down the road. A day that later, I will be forever grateful that something moved me to say YES and yet it has rocked my every fiber of who I am or who I thought I was. You see I thought I always knew what I wanted, what I needed and what my next conquest was.I am NEVER short of an opinion of where I was going and a plan. Yet, I had no idea I needed these two beauties in my life, but I do, I so, so, do. With them, I have less bad days. Not because life is suddenly perfect, but because they are a constant reminder to be thankful. They've seen a lifetime more than needed and my problems are shallow in comparison. I am thankful for their presence and the gifts they bring to us. I've learned from them that wearing sweatpants and fuzzy socks is like a mandatory nightly thing and it is awesome. Who Knew?! :) They taught me to not take for granted playing cards in front of a fireplace at night. This was listed on J's top 10 moments of 2015. Again, who knew a moment we take for granted would be on a top 10 list for someone else. They've taught this thirty something what strength looks like at half the age. My entire life I've been in a hurry to get things done, they've taught me to slow down, To stop constantly reaching and instead enjoy the rung of the ladder you are currently on so you don't miss the view. And to be completely material, they've taught me to never live a weekend without Starbucks. Its totally dumb, but totally a thing.
I've thought recently about different "calls" though out life I've had. Each one changes you. Some awful, some great, some with no information at all but to say I'm there and some with situations in where you need to choose how to react. Each one wonderful. Insert cliche phrase here: A door closes, break through a window. The end is really the beginning. Everything happens for a reason. Etc. Etc. Etc.
Beyond the cliche, the difference is reaction. What you do with the information given. That is what controls our future. And frankly-do you always need to wait for a call to take action? If you know something is missing, call out for help.
A sweet now retired small business owner, Pat, gave me a paper weight that said, "Be The Change You Wish To See In The World". It sits on every desk I've had. I think of the sentiment often. I relate it to things all the time. I thought about it when I attended a conference a few weeks ago and heard from several great speakers, but was touched by 2 speakers specifically that chose to make a difference. They specifically took charge for change not for their wealth but for the wealth of others. They made the call to "be the change".
Sharlene Bryan: She wondered if the $25 a month she was sending over seas was actually reaching the intended destination of helping two small children she was sponsoring. She was "called out" by friends for falling for a scam. In response she jumped on a plane and went to Africa a week later. She found out her money was indeed going to help. It was buying rice and beans for a family. But they needed more, they needed beds. So for $3 she bought each family member a bed. Are you stinking kidding me? $3?!? She came home to her comfortable life in California and started hosting Africa parties instead of Prada parties. She then founded an organization called Skip1.org. She urges us all to skip one coffee, manicure, car wash or lunch to help others. She has also wrote 2 books.
Scott Harrison: He was a nightclub promoter, turned looking for the meaning of life 20 something. Applied to go somewhere and make a difference with various humanitarian organizations, and was turned down multiple times. It was a laughable application. He had no experience, no background, nothing but a feeling of being "called" to do more. Until one organization took him and made him pay to volunteer with them-lol! He traveled to Liberia and saw some of the country's most desperate. At the root of their basic need was water. Something we disperse meaninglessly and can get for free at anytime her in the US. The women and children of the villages were walking 4 hours one way, standing in a 30-40 min line, to fill one 5 gallon container of water, then walking 4 hours back to the village. The water was swamp water. Polluted and filled with feces, leaches, amoebas and too many various items to list. The pictures he showed us looked like Ice Tea, and it was cherished. He showed us a picture of a sweet 4 year old girl who was so hot in the heat, she drank her small cup of water, then with in minuets would throw it all back up again due to it contamination. It was heart breaking, So he went back to his night club friends who would spend over $400 on one bottle of champagne and asked them to help fund wells so villages could get clean water. He started a company called Charity: Water and the rest is history.
They did it and so should we. In big ways, in small ways and in ways that may not help our bottom line at all, but will help those at the bottom. Being called out, changes the world....if you answer. What calls are you or are you not answering? My advise? Answer, because sometimes you don't know what you are missing and life is full of opportunities to 'be the change'.
Calls, Cards, Comfy Socks & Coffee from expensive stores ~Sarah
In the beginning there was Bambi and Elaine...who taught us about losing things
In our PSMAPP class we met Elaine and Bambi. They co-teach nearly all of the PSMAPP classes in Ames.
Elaine-She is like your favorite aunt who is witty and gentle. Talk to her for 5 min and you will kind of want her to adopt you.
Bambi-She will shoot you straight and has great stories. But when you talk she listens, like really listens. She is chicken soup to the soul when you need to vent.
Together, they've seen it all. I will admit I went into the classes with these 2 at the helm, thinking, seriously what are they going to teach me. I have 3 kids that I haven't messed up too much yet and I coach teen girls like a boss -I can handle anything you've got so bring it on. News flash, I had no idea that I didn't know what I didn't know.
We started classes on a beautiful Monday in March 2014. We met the group of people were are embarking on a journey with for the next 10 weeks. There is a handouts, lots and lots of handouts that have chapters and homework. Self study, reflection and snacks. Nathan and I were like, "this is going to be a breeze". Again we were clueless and I kind of feel like I owe Bambi and Elaine a gift card to Starbucks or a plant for the "good grief" looks I probably, ok did, send their way.
What we weren't prepared for is where it takes you emotionally and how most weeks we left feeling sick. There are activities that ask you to insert yourself into what the kids and parents are going through. We had to actually act things out and engage. I wasn't prepared for the engagement. The best/worst activity we did was to write the 5 most important things in your life on separate pieces of paper. They then asked us to give up one and drop it over the side of the table. Then the next, then the next. Everyone in the room was left with one piece of paper to drop over the side that was labeled family. Then with a stoic voice Elaine said, guess which piece of paper is taken away first for foster kids....FAMILY. My heart shattered with empathy. When my ship is going down, I know who I look to, because Chinese food , dark chocolate and a bubble bath with candles are only a temporary fix, its family. The beauty is as we get older we also realize family isn't always who is genetically linked to us, its whoever steps up and jumps in when we need it. Its our inner circle.
Throughout this process I also met a sweet women named Gwen, She was a beautiful African American women who spoke on a panel at our PSMAPP class. She was eloquent, soft spoken and loving. She gave insight and spoke of lessons learned through loving lots of children in her home. She had 3 biological children and had adopted 5 more through the foster care system. I already loved her. One thing she said that will always stick with me is, "I never take for granted that for that moment I was the one chosen to raise someone else's child." She said it will be tough, It will be complicated, but she said the Lord needs good soldiers, so she always said YES when she could. Over and over she said, "I love children and I love the Lord so it was an easy decision to do Foster Care". This reminds me of the verse that says, "'Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me" Matthew 25:40 Since our class, I have been honored to present next to Gwen on 2 PSMAPP class panels. I will be honest that I loved sharing our story, but each time I also looked forward to hearing Gwen's. It filled me up and recharged my battery, She was put in my path and I think the Lord knew I needed her too. Fast forward to today. Last Friday, I attended Gwen's funeral. I am not sure why this wonderful woman was taken so soon. But as one of her speakers at the funeral said, "Gwen would not have it if we all just sat around and cried." HA! Let me tell you, if I could somehow be related to this wonderful family, like if they would take me in as a distant cousin or something, I would die. I wouldn't even take up much room, I'd sit in a corner at family gatherings and just watch with wonder and delight, THEY ARE AWESOME. I want to be their best friends and may or may not have already Facebook stalked a few. :) I laughed and cried at Gwen's funeral on Friday and once again Gwen got me to a place hearing stuff I needed to hear at a time when my tank was on low.
What I've learned is loss is loss despite the order you drop it off the table. When you lose something it can't always be found and put neatly back on the shelf. But loss can teach you something. I find in J&M's case, its taught them to be stronger. We all rejoice that they are here, that they are thriving and happy. Truth is they still lost friends, pets and people they cared about. I wish in their case, it was a clean break, but no such luck. The girls see people from their past often, at track meets, at football games, at the mall. For Macee it was an umpire who haggled her just yesterday because he recognized her and asked why she and Jewels were always in Ames uniforms now and not with a DM team. She ended up just walking away from him toward people she knew because she didn't know what to say. Bertha/Mama Buss couldn't make it to her fast enough once I saw the strange interaction happening. The loss is triggered, a nerve is hit and pain resonates for a while and her silent quiet strength sets in. It took 24 hours for her to bring it up again and here I sit at 1am typing thoughts after weathering the storm.
I can't fix all things and I know that is ok. That is a lie actually. Its so not ok. I am being tested and wasn't told to study. This is the 3rd test in about 2 weeks. We are all well, there isn't something we can't handle, but I've prayed, I've melted and I've ate a cupcake everyday to try to understand. Bouncing and trusting God is all we can do. I've had nearly identical conversations with 2 daughters in the past week. "When will this stop bothering me" both said. "When you stop letting it" I replied. Let the BOUNCE take over, let it roll right off ya and move on. Something else is right around the corner. But first we have to get off of your closet floor and return the oreo's to the cupboard. :)
If you haven't heard the song Broken Vessels, listen here. Its a form of Amazing Grace. It says "I once was lost, but now I'm found". As admitted earlier, I was naive heading into this process last year. It truly took us learning, and experiencing loss first hand through our kids to have a much more profound meaning of being found, "raising up the broken to life". I am wiser now, I have seen more. The woman/family post-March 2014 is better for it. As parents, we are all gosh darn Ninja's and I'll be honest some days I want a stinking participation medal for my efforts. :)
But as I type in the early morning silence, I take a breath. Ok Lord we hear you and will continue to remember this life is one giant lesson you've set before us. Things happen for a reason and form us to be braver, stronger people. Please tell our dear friend Gwen hello and that she did a GREAT job here...you have both taught us well.
Love, Loss, Lessons and Love Handles ~Sarah
In our PSMAPP class we met Elaine and Bambi. They co-teach nearly all of the PSMAPP classes in Ames.
Elaine-She is like your favorite aunt who is witty and gentle. Talk to her for 5 min and you will kind of want her to adopt you.
Bambi-She will shoot you straight and has great stories. But when you talk she listens, like really listens. She is chicken soup to the soul when you need to vent.
Together, they've seen it all. I will admit I went into the classes with these 2 at the helm, thinking, seriously what are they going to teach me. I have 3 kids that I haven't messed up too much yet and I coach teen girls like a boss -I can handle anything you've got so bring it on. News flash, I had no idea that I didn't know what I didn't know.
We started classes on a beautiful Monday in March 2014. We met the group of people were are embarking on a journey with for the next 10 weeks. There is a handouts, lots and lots of handouts that have chapters and homework. Self study, reflection and snacks. Nathan and I were like, "this is going to be a breeze". Again we were clueless and I kind of feel like I owe Bambi and Elaine a gift card to Starbucks or a plant for the "good grief" looks I probably, ok did, send their way.
What we weren't prepared for is where it takes you emotionally and how most weeks we left feeling sick. There are activities that ask you to insert yourself into what the kids and parents are going through. We had to actually act things out and engage. I wasn't prepared for the engagement. The best/worst activity we did was to write the 5 most important things in your life on separate pieces of paper. They then asked us to give up one and drop it over the side of the table. Then the next, then the next. Everyone in the room was left with one piece of paper to drop over the side that was labeled family. Then with a stoic voice Elaine said, guess which piece of paper is taken away first for foster kids....FAMILY. My heart shattered with empathy. When my ship is going down, I know who I look to, because Chinese food , dark chocolate and a bubble bath with candles are only a temporary fix, its family. The beauty is as we get older we also realize family isn't always who is genetically linked to us, its whoever steps up and jumps in when we need it. Its our inner circle.
Throughout this process I also met a sweet women named Gwen, She was a beautiful African American women who spoke on a panel at our PSMAPP class. She was eloquent, soft spoken and loving. She gave insight and spoke of lessons learned through loving lots of children in her home. She had 3 biological children and had adopted 5 more through the foster care system. I already loved her. One thing she said that will always stick with me is, "I never take for granted that for that moment I was the one chosen to raise someone else's child." She said it will be tough, It will be complicated, but she said the Lord needs good soldiers, so she always said YES when she could. Over and over she said, "I love children and I love the Lord so it was an easy decision to do Foster Care". This reminds me of the verse that says, "'Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me" Matthew 25:40 Since our class, I have been honored to present next to Gwen on 2 PSMAPP class panels. I will be honest that I loved sharing our story, but each time I also looked forward to hearing Gwen's. It filled me up and recharged my battery, She was put in my path and I think the Lord knew I needed her too. Fast forward to today. Last Friday, I attended Gwen's funeral. I am not sure why this wonderful woman was taken so soon. But as one of her speakers at the funeral said, "Gwen would not have it if we all just sat around and cried." HA! Let me tell you, if I could somehow be related to this wonderful family, like if they would take me in as a distant cousin or something, I would die. I wouldn't even take up much room, I'd sit in a corner at family gatherings and just watch with wonder and delight, THEY ARE AWESOME. I want to be their best friends and may or may not have already Facebook stalked a few. :) I laughed and cried at Gwen's funeral on Friday and once again Gwen got me to a place hearing stuff I needed to hear at a time when my tank was on low.
What I've learned is loss is loss despite the order you drop it off the table. When you lose something it can't always be found and put neatly back on the shelf. But loss can teach you something. I find in J&M's case, its taught them to be stronger. We all rejoice that they are here, that they are thriving and happy. Truth is they still lost friends, pets and people they cared about. I wish in their case, it was a clean break, but no such luck. The girls see people from their past often, at track meets, at football games, at the mall. For Macee it was an umpire who haggled her just yesterday because he recognized her and asked why she and Jewels were always in Ames uniforms now and not with a DM team. She ended up just walking away from him toward people she knew because she didn't know what to say. Bertha/Mama Buss couldn't make it to her fast enough once I saw the strange interaction happening. The loss is triggered, a nerve is hit and pain resonates for a while and her silent quiet strength sets in. It took 24 hours for her to bring it up again and here I sit at 1am typing thoughts after weathering the storm.
I can't fix all things and I know that is ok. That is a lie actually. Its so not ok. I am being tested and wasn't told to study. This is the 3rd test in about 2 weeks. We are all well, there isn't something we can't handle, but I've prayed, I've melted and I've ate a cupcake everyday to try to understand. Bouncing and trusting God is all we can do. I've had nearly identical conversations with 2 daughters in the past week. "When will this stop bothering me" both said. "When you stop letting it" I replied. Let the BOUNCE take over, let it roll right off ya and move on. Something else is right around the corner. But first we have to get off of your closet floor and return the oreo's to the cupboard. :)
If you haven't heard the song Broken Vessels, listen here. Its a form of Amazing Grace. It says "I once was lost, but now I'm found". As admitted earlier, I was naive heading into this process last year. It truly took us learning, and experiencing loss first hand through our kids to have a much more profound meaning of being found, "raising up the broken to life". I am wiser now, I have seen more. The woman/family post-March 2014 is better for it. As parents, we are all gosh darn Ninja's and I'll be honest some days I want a stinking participation medal for my efforts. :)
But as I type in the early morning silence, I take a breath. Ok Lord we hear you and will continue to remember this life is one giant lesson you've set before us. Things happen for a reason and form us to be braver, stronger people. Please tell our dear friend Gwen hello and that she did a GREAT job here...you have both taught us well.
Love, Loss, Lessons and Love Handles ~Sarah
Firsts, Seconds & Misconceptions
It has been a busy past 2 weeks and year frankly. So although there is laundry to do, a deck to stain, flooring to work on and a basement to clean ...we skated out of town for some lake air and R&R. Okoboji or BUST! Nathan's parents have a big house on wheels (Laiken's description, which translates to a camper) with plumbing, electric, cable tv and enough sleeping space for at least 10, so we decided to show the girls a place that holds lots of memories and is dear to our heart. It was their FIRST trip to a lake, on a boat, and camping. The excitement was built and did not disappoint. Seeing M&J enjoy the things we grew up with and have taken the other 3 to several times before was exciting for us too. The first night when reviewing all the things we hoped to do that weekend, Jewels' asked, "Is this the last first?" It took some further questions to figure out what she meant, and at the time the gravity of the question hadn't set in yet. She was wondering if this is the last thing that we have to show them, her last "first" with the Buss family. She is/was eager to be apart of our history instead of an outsider looking in. God Bless It. This child whose love language is not the same as mine, was asking a question in hopes my answer was, "Yes, you are now a veteran member of this family." This was an amazing feeling.
Misconceptions and commonly asked questions.
Q: Wow, you guys are already busy, do you really think you will have time for 2 more kids?
Q: Is foster care messy? Are all the parents crazy and on drugs and stuff?
Q: 2 teen girls must be expensive, how do you do it?
Q: What do your kids think?
Q: Does their race effect things?
Q: So you really adopted them, huh? Insert look like I've gotten a plague.
Again,if you feel so called, please consider donating (CLICK HERE) to their savings and needs or writing a letter to tell them your story.
I'll leave you with my favorite Laiken quote from the State Fair, we took the girls to see a livestock show in the Cattle arena, after 5 min Laiken goes, "Girls I'm sorry this is a really bad show, the cows aren't even doing any tricks!" The kid also ate 2 feet of bacon wrapped corn dogs during our visit. I mean why not?!
Firsts, Seconds, Misconceptions and Bad Cow Shows ~Sarah
740 days
And a year later..... they are Buss's.
Now that we can share all the information, I will blog and share about some of our favorite and memorable moments of the past year. It's kind of like knowing the end of a book without reading the chapters. But stay tuned, because the chapters are filled with good stuff that will make you smile, laugh and maybe cry and that's all OK because it led us to August 4th, 2015, the day the got their forever home. We don't know how we lived our life without them, and are so glad that we no longer have to. They make us better and have taught us so much. THANK YOU, THANK YOU for all of the support many of you have given, Nathan and I have not done this alone. If you would like to be involved, we encourage you to write letters about your life and how you know us to share with the girls, we want them to know our network and learn about you. Donate if you wish on the Go Fund Me site (CLICK HERE) if you wish to help with adoption expenses, needs for the girls and savings. Most importantly continue to pray, we all need your prayers as we grow and learn to share bathroooms and negotiate for the best spot on the couch to watch So You Think You Can Dance and Dance Moms. We also ask that you pray for the kids that just entered the system as you are reading this and are scared about what their future holds and for those that have waited 740 days and are still waiting to find their forever homes.
We have only scratched the surface and we have lots of work yet to do. I hope you enjoy reading about the journey of our expanding our family tree and look forward to watching you all do good work too. BE THE CHANGE YOU WISH TO SEE IN THE WORLD.
Fondly ~The Ames Buss Stop for 7
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Here is the honest truth. I don’t know how to do this. This is different than taking 30 kids on trip and returning them safely where I over post on social media to assure their parents (ok and frankly me) that its going well. This isn’t as easy as writing a sentimental inspirational quote. This isn’t me inviting you to a work event or boasting about the appropriately numbered child and his or her latest conquest. This is a completely different thing. I can’t tell you all the details until it is over. Because, well RULES. I can’t update you on developments because it changes sometimes daily. I’m stuck in a grey area with no hand book other than following our hearts and trusting that guy upstairs has our back. What I can tell you is that we are here because we felt called to do more and were no longer able to accept the fact that we weren't doing anything. We knew someone who needed more. We started training to help this small person. That situation didn't work out. But we kept on with training despite our broken hearts. 60 days later we figured out why it didn't work out. It is because we were meant to wait a bit longer for the right conversations to happen between 2 people and the puzzles pieces to fit so THIS lemonade and happy ending could happen.(Insert the saying: When the door closes to one dream, break through the window because something better awaits) After that the past 365 plus days have been about survival mode and finding a new normal for this house although, not a foreign one. After 16 years of coaching teen girls, the Mr and I have had some experience in the subject matter; Girl. Back to you guys, here is the deal, I don’t know what I need till I need it. I don’t know what to tell you to do or how to help, so I’ve shelved you. Again no handbook. However your recent messages and outreach have compelled me to step up and let you in. <3 Here are the things you can do depending on your strengths and what you are comfortable with. PRAY, pray for the mother who no longer calls them her own and pray for our family as we try to fill the void and fill their buckets daily with what they need and do what is best for our family. WRITE LETTERS, we hope to gather letters over the next few months to give to the girls with advice/your story/how you know us/your life lessons learned to add to a book for the girls to have as a memento. They are not only gaining a new family but a network of good folk. Oh and hugs and cookies never hurt either. In short the “pro” column is long and the “con” column is irrelevant in the big guys plan and we are blessed with extra helpings of the ability to love kids who aren't our own. It just is what it is. Doesn't matter one bit that they don’t look like us and some would say this is a blessing in itself (ha!), our table seats 16, so bring it on. Thank you again for all the support. We look forward to sharing more soon. Like within the next week soon. YEAH! ( Insert the appropriate spirit fingers here! ) James 1:27
A: Well we haven't lost anyone yet, so I think we are good to go- also, read paragraph 2. We aren't Disney, but we are all stocked up with the ingredients they require; love, strength & support. We sure aren't perfect either, I forgot the grocery list and winged it last week. Apparently forgetting toilet paper and toothpaste. There was a minor crisis. Grandma to the rescue. It happened and we all lived to tell about it.
A: Taking a kiddo away from their parents is probably always messy. Lots of things in life are messy-not just foster care and lots of people take drugs and do bad stuff every day-not just ones in the system. Their mother loves them, she just isn't well and they've never met dad. It is what it is. Why wouldn't you help a kiddo who is in a situation that is unstable? Dedicating our time to help someone seems like a pretty good use of our families resources. They are kids for goodness sakes. I just don't see another option. Help kids who need it. So I'm sorry, what was your question?
A: Well we are not sitting on piles of money and waved a wand and said, "Hey lets adopt 2 kids today". We have however trusted and prayed that we would always find a way to provide for them and with the love and support of our friends and family, we have. Choosing adoption isn't about having money. Adoption is about loving people, John 13:35, and in the end love wins. Period. My friends and family have loved M&J, some without even knowing them and have helped provide. One day a friend called and said what do you need TODAY. It was week one. "Hangers", I said. I had been so frantic trying to find them clothes/beds/dressers/toothbrushes but had omitted thinking about what they would use to hang them up with. A short time later she text me, "meet me in the park". She handed me 2 sacks of hangers and some packs of socks because I had also mentioned in a different conversation that they arrived with no socks of their own. If you surround yourself with good people and have faith, anything is possible. Together we are changing lives.
A: Obviously if I had any indication that my kids wouldn't or couldn't handle this, we wouldn't be here. Like I mentioned in an earlier post, having coached teams for 16 going on 17 years, our family is familiar having a revolving door of teens at our table. Nathan and I think at the end of the day if accepting and treating everyone they meet as family is the only lesson they learned from us, we'll be winning so we are going with that.
A: People are weird about it at times and I can't change that. Some don't see any difference and think they look just like Nathan and I and are just really tan. I consider the latter a compliment. Yep, they are bi-racial. Lets move into 2015 now people. I'm part German/Irish/Scottish/Welsh. Take that. My race effects things daily, ask my husband, boss, mother and mother in law. :) Some people are just more sensitive than others when it comes to race and I'm sorry but this is their issue, not mine. Spend 5 minuets with them and you would find that you would love them if they were green. We believe that our differences make us unique and beautiful, EMBRACE IT.
A: Don't feel bad for me, feel bad for them. Some days I'm no walk in the park. HA! :) My rules start something like, "Don't be that girl". I've got a split personality called Bertha. I insist on earrings and lip gloss. I am competitive, could talk to a tree if needed and am fiercely loyal to those that I trust. If you aren't down, then move along. In short they aren't a pair of shoes that I can return. They are mini-humans, and no, we aren't going to leave them in foster care to age out. YES, people they are adopted, their last names are now BUSS- I mean how could you miss the all delicious pictures in pink 15 days ago?!:) Bottom line, everyone deserves a family and we are so honored that God sent them to us to join ours.
The phone rings, you recognize its one of the many numbers that reach out.
They usually start off very generic, "I have a referral for a 8yr old boy who needs somewhere to go TODAY." or "I have a sibling set of 3 ages 3,5 and 7 that I'm wondering if you will meet with because they need a place to go and we are trying to keep them together, but will split them up if needed" This is what the ladies will say to you when the hotline for placements happen. Right now we are not an option, Unless we put bunk beds in everyone's room and buy a 2nd mini-van, we are not an option. Well, but, wait, NO! Right, right, focus, we are busy enough right now, it is not an option. "Repeat after me Sarah", Nathan often mumbles, "we are not the best fit for them right now". Fine people, fine.
If you pass the background check, the finger printing, listen to the info session where they tell you the worst of it and don't leave running...you graduate to take the actual 10 week course of 30 hours in the classroom and 10ish hours of home study/additional training/background checks called PSMAPP.
I mentioned that I didn't get the gravity of that question till later. It was 2 days later that it hit me when Macee proclaimed that it felt "so good" to say, "remember when we did this last year", as we visited the State Fair. Last year we hadn't know each other 30 days yet when we spent 8 long hours with thousands of our closest friends. This year, we are an inseparable bunch. This is such a BIG DEAL to kids who want to just blend. They want to no longer make the awkward introductions. Do I say they are friends? Our daughters? Nieces? What do they tell their friends that I am? Its hard. They want no more FIRSTS. They want to have SECONDS, thirds and fourths of good stuff -the good simple stuff we don't notice and take for granted. Thanks for the that hip check Lord. 10 minuets ago, I was frustrated that my outfit looked too mom-ish for the day and was mourning my youth. 10 minuets later I realize how shallow and selfish my thoughts are in the big picture. Sometimes I strike out, and the weight of a situation gives me a good smack in the face. Get off the cell phone, it can all wait. Be thankful for the moment. Your mom clothes and mini van is exactly what they have been praying for. Show them more, they are thirsty for you to share more. Don't get me wrong I LOVE fashion and it is important to me, but its not the biggest thing in the room and I need to be reminded to be present and stop treating the small moments as small because those are the moments that pack the biggest punch. The best memories are the ones spent together, they are the best investment of our time. Girls, have you ever heard of a fun store called the Sugar Shack ( in Boji) or ever visited the hog barn (at the fair)? Hand in hand, LETS GO!
THE UPDATE
The 13 year olds (Joscelyn & Jewels) are at a sleepover that I didn't have to get permission for Jewels to attend from a worker and give the host mom some sensitive information in case of injury. Macee, the 15 year old started a camp on Monday at Iowa State and I was able to sign the permission forms under...parent/guardian. Add in the mega pink pictures posted recently on most social media means that a week ago, IT REALLY DID HAPPEN. It was indeed a whirlwind and a bit of a blur....however after 740 days in foster care Jewels and Macee are ADOPTED and we have welcomed to new 2 girls our tribe!
If you pass the background check, the finger printing, listen to the info session where they tell you the worst of it and don't leave running...you graduate to take the actual 10 week course of 30 hours in the classroom and 10ish hours of home study/additional training/background checks called PSMAPP.
I mentioned that I didn't get the gravity of that question till later. It was 2 days later that it hit me when Macee proclaimed that it felt "so good" to say, "remember when we did this last year", as we visited the State Fair. Last year we hadn't know each other 30 days yet when we spent 8 long hours with thousands of our closest friends. This year, we are an inseparable bunch. This is such a BIG DEAL to kids who want to just blend. They want to no longer make the awkward introductions. Do I say they are friends? Our daughters? Nieces? What do they tell their friends that I am? Its hard. They want no more FIRSTS. They want to have SECONDS, thirds and fourths of good stuff -the good simple stuff we don't notice and take for granted. Thanks for the that hip check Lord. 10 minuets ago, I was frustrated that my outfit looked too mom-ish for the day and was mourning my youth. 10 minuets later I realize how shallow and selfish my thoughts are in the big picture. Sometimes I strike out, and the weight of a situation gives me a good smack in the face. Get off the cell phone, it can all wait. Be thankful for the moment. Your mom clothes and mini van is exactly what they have been praying for. Show them more, they are thirsty for you to share more. Don't get me wrong I LOVE fashion and it is important to me, but its not the biggest thing in the room and I need to be reminded to be present and stop treating the small moments as small because those are the moments that pack the biggest punch. The best memories are the ones spent together, they are the best investment of our time. Girls, have you ever heard of a fun store called the Sugar Shack ( in Boji) or ever visited the hog barn (at the fair)? Hand in hand, LETS GO!
THE UPDATE
The 13 year olds (Joscelyn & Jewels) are at a sleepover that I didn't have to get permission for Jewels to attend from a worker and give the host mom some sensitive information in case of injury. Macee, the 15 year old started a camp on Monday at Iowa State and I was able to sign the permission forms under...parent/guardian. Add in the mega pink pictures posted recently on most social media means that a week ago, IT REALLY DID HAPPEN. It was indeed a whirlwind and a bit of a blur....however after 740 days in foster care Jewels and Macee are ADOPTED and we have welcomed to new 2 girls our tribe!
They talk about a claiming moment, where you know these kids are meant to be with you. In all honesty in the beginning I wasn’t there because frankly 2 teen girls were not part of my “plan”. I have access to 80 plus teen girls all the time through the sports I coach at the High School and Middle School. We had a boy room and a girl room ready to take in foster kids. So 2 teen girls was the furthest from my radar and ideal track. Nathan had already fallen for them around meeting 2, he fell hard and fast. Of course this is one of the many reasons I adore this man. We had only known the girls a total of 24 hours. I remember him looking straight into me and said, “We did this to help kids, it’s not about us and our plan, it’s about them. Are you willing to let them grow up in a group home?” I immediately said, “NO”. “Then call the worker, they are moving in” he said. I called her and on August 1st 2014 they moved in.
My heart was open and I pretended to be ready, but I still was hanging onto my plan. It took a friend who put his hand on my shoulder and say “Sarah, what other house would they move into BUT yours. You've been training for this for years, of course they were SENT to you and Nathan.” Light bulb moment. 16 years of coaching teen girls had prepared me and our family to embrace 2 more. I loved working with my teams. So of course I would love them. Once the light bulb was on, I was all in, I could see God’s plan, it just took some nudges to get me to open my eyes and walk down the path he was leading me on.
To the 422 friends who have liked my past FB post, the 40 who have commented on it and 72 who have went a step further and sent Nathan or I private messages. THANK YOU!!!!!
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